another day…

So I spent 11 hours in front of my computer today and I’ve only been awake for 12.5 hours.  I can’t believe I’m actually trying to design two complete web sites in three days…while working.  I’m exhausted.  I’m not eating very much…one small meal a day…and I’m only doing that because I absolutely have to.  My boyfriend is freaking out about it.  I don’t really care.  If I had to choose between eating or sleeping I’d choose sleeping and if I had to choose between eating and getting my school work done, well you guessed it, I’d choose getting my school work done.  He doesn’t understand my need for a high cumulative GPA, but many people don’t.  This was supposed to be my easy quarter to recoup from last quarter…ha.  This quarter has by far been my worst quarter here at OSU.  But I was also very sick for two weeks and missed two weeks worth of class and work, which cost me dearly.  I’m miserable.  Tonight as I walked into my bathroom here at school, it was like surreal.  I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that way…like your life flashes before you and you wonder how you got where you are?  Well it’s weird and doesn’t happen to me a lot but it did tonight.  I was amazed at what I am doing and what I’ve become.  Can’t believe I’ve made it this far and with BPD and Bipolar Disorder.  But others don’t seem to get that.  They don’t seem to get that the fact that I am functioning and living is amazing in and of itself.  But I am at The Ohio State University carrying a 3.62, balancing a serious relationship, planning a wedding, dealing with my parents (who seem to be like children at times), trying to keep my friends happy (which never happens), trying to be involved here at OSU and deal with my disorders.  Come on now.  How ridiculous.  Most people who have BPD can’t believe I do what I do and keep it together the majority of the time.  But it’s so hard.  It’s no wonder I am exhausted and sick all the time.  I’m so sick of it.  Part of me wishes I had never come to OSU.  I hate it here.  I want to go home.

Okay, my back hurts so bad I can’t take it anymore.  I can’t look at this computer screen anymore.  I’ll try and write tomorrow.

Spiraling downward………………………………..

been a little while

Yea, so I’m horrible about blogs and journals…oh well.  Life sucks.  It’s been one of those days that I’d like to walk up to everyone and say “FUCK YOU!” Not sure that would go over very well but it’s what I feel like doing.  Nothing I do is right for anyone.  The way I react to everything is always wrong…even though most of the time it’s the only way I know how to react.  My boyfriend, hopefully soon to be fiance, Jake, is doing better with me than he ever has.  He’s the one person who’s not pushing me past my limits.

I hate Columbus and I definitely HATE OSU!!!  All I want to do is go home…where I am grounded and stable.  It’s like someone flips a switch in me when I pull into Columbus and suddenly I’m miserable, feel worthless, panicked, depressed, crying ALL the time at little things, making a huge deal out of everything, wanting to disappear and not be here anymore, wanting to cut and do anything else that would be considered distructive to  myself.  There are only two people I am living for at the moment…one being Jake and one being my mother.  Why is that we always have to “live for” someone?  Why aren’t we enough to live for?  And when I say we…I mean those of us afflicted with this horrible disorder…BPD.  So I sit here…my roommates gone thank God…and I’m blaring Alanis Morsette…ha haven’t listened to her in ages.

Jake said to me the other day…”I can’t wait til you graduate and move back home…I can’t wait to see how you act then.  Because you are so good when you’re home with me…and then you go back to Columbus and suddenly you are a mess.”  Well when you hate being somewhere so extremely much and hate the people you are forced to socialize with everyday…that tends to happen.

Ah…this post is a jumbled mess…my apologies…my mind’s kind of a whirlwind of shit right now.  I wish I had something to clear my mind enough for me to get to work on my two web sites, which by the way are due to my professor by Friday and I have like nothing done.  Wonderful…I know.  I missed two weeks of class and work because I was so sick.  And it’s screwing me over right now.   I want this part of my life to end, like NOW!!!  But I still have 5 quarters left of this bullshit.  I wonder how I’ll ever make it through.

I have a therapy appt. tomorrow…first one in probably around a month or so.  I absolutely cannot wait. Ha, kinda sad.  The highlight of my week will be going to see my therapist…that and getting to go home on Friday.  Then I’m home for a week…spring break.  Thank God.  I’d probably kill myself if I had to go another week.  Life, I suppose, could be a whole lot worse…but to me it doesn’t feel like it.  I know I’ve been worse, but each time it feels like it intensifies.

Well I need to get to work…or at least try to work.  Kinda hard when you’re mind is whirling downward at 100mph.  But no one cares about that so I guess I’m on my own.  It’s hard to keep pleasing people who seem to enjoy watching me fail miserably.  It’s so hard to kiss ass when those people disgust you and anger you to the point of no return.  Okay, I’m done.  Sorry for the jumbled rant.  I really hope someone reads this…but probably not…oh well…

Spiraling downward yet again…

a poem to those who don’t want to understand

I’m in a panic mode right now…not sure why but my chest is tight, my heart is racing, and my mind is spinning.  So I did what I used to do to relieve things a little…I wrote a poem.  It didn’t help but I sure wish I could let a couple people in my life read it.  Not that it would make a difference.  Anyway, here it is.

I wish I could describe to you
What it feels like when panic rips through my chest

I wish I could put into words
What it feels like when I lose all hope of normalcy

I wish I could make you see
What it feels like to be alone in this world

I wish I could show you
What life looks like to me-bleak and worthless

I wish I could make you understand
That I do not want to be this way

I wish you would open your eyes
To the fact that I never asked to be like this

I wish you could grasp
How hard I push and work every day to do things most people do easily

I wish you could feel these tears
Every time I lose control

But most of all I wish
That you could just accept and love me for me and ask no questions.

Better

Well today has been one of the better days I’ve had for the last three weeks.  (Well minus the parking ticket I found on my car this morning…stupid cops with too much time on their hands.)  Anyway, I guess going off that Cymbalta was the trick.  I had some withdraw stuff last night and was a little sick this morning, but today is the first day I’ve made it through the whole day without feeling utterly horrible.  So I’m excited.  My mood has been boosted b/c of it.  I feel so much better.  Thank God. So anyway, I’m headed to my meeting.  More later.

exhaustion

So like I wrote earlier, I stayed home today.  Been doing some reading and trying to find some good blogs online that deal with BPD and such.  I keep getting even more tired the longer I’m awake.  I hate days like these.  I also have had a bad headache today.  I think that’s from stopping my cymbalta cold turkey.  I wish I could find someone else who has had some of the same problems I have had.  It would be nice to talk with someone who understood.

Anyway, I’m so exhausted.  I wish I could get some energy.  I just really want to go home so I can see Jake and my parents.  I miss them when I’m up here.  (Here being school…OSU.)  I thought about driving home.  But I have class at 8:30 tomorrow morning and have two quizzes tomorrow so I need to study.  If I went home I’d spend all my time with Jake and wouldn’t get any reading done.  I’ve managed to get three chapters of my web design book read today.  I still have 3 more chapters of it to read and also a chapter in my editing book to read.  (I HATE SCHOOL!)  Generally I like to read.  But I hate reading for school.  I don’t mind my web design reading because I’m interested in that.  But having to read six chapters of it in one day…that’s a bit much.  But that’s what I get for being a procrastinator.  Actually, it’s just been that I’ve been too sick by the end of every day to do anything reading or anything.  I can’t concentrate when I’m dizzy and have screwed up vision and feel like I’m going to pass out.  I just wish this would all go away and I’d get better. I hate being so tired all the time and being sick.  Well that’s it for now.  Back to some more reading…blah.

today

Today is better.  I didn’t go to work today.  I’m exhausted.  All I feel like doing is sleeping.  I have decided I am going to go see a new psychiatrist and try and get this stuff worked out.  I’m sick of feeling like this.  Jake and I talked last night.  One day he’ll understand and be able to deal with this.  He’s trying.

Anyway, I’m just going to catch up on some reading today and study some.  Just try and take it easy and tackle everything again tomorrow.

If only you could understand…

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months tomorrow. Well actually I should go back farther than that.  Within the last year I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Bipolar II.  I can do well for months at a time and then all of a sudden get under too much pressure and crack.  I try so hard every day to just keep it together.  Not many people understand me or even attempt to understand…and my boyfriend understands me the least of anyone else.  I frustrate him to no end…no matter how hard I try and be as controlled and good as possible.  It’s so hard living with these illnesses…and even harder when you’re in love with someone who WILL NOT even try to understand.  Someone who can only judge.

I started on a new anti-depressent, along with my other medications.  The new med is Cymbalta.  My mom and grandma have had great success with it.  But a week or so after I started it I started being very sick by 3 o’clock in the afternoon.  I thought it was a sugar problem at first.  I didn’t expect the Cymbalta.  I start shaking and feeling very weak.  I get dizzy and my vision gets blurred.  I am constipated and can’t concentrate.  I get stomach aches and feel light headed and miserable.  My boyfriend at first suggested the medication but backed off b/c medication is a touchy subject with us.  Well tonight I decided I was going to go off the Cymbalta and see if that helps.  If anyone is reading this and has had the same issue will you please comment.

Jake (my boyfriend) and I just got into it again and of course I started crying.  I try so hard to keep it all together.  I go to school at The Ohio State University…I have 18 credit hours this quarter, I am working three jobs (long story), and trying to balance him and my friends and my parents and everything else.  I’ve never been good at balancing things…I guess that’s part of the BPD.  My mood change frequently and I’m hard to deal with.  But I try so damn hard.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m a mess.  I pretty much hate myself.  And it seems that no matter how hard I try I always lose.  Jake is so convinced that I can just beat this and just magically get better.  But I have been like this since the fourth grade…and gotten worse the last six years.  I just want him to understand or try to.  He told me tonight that it just seems like I don’t want to be happy.  It broke my heart.  I want more than anything in this entire world to be happy.  I want to be normal and to not have to take medication to live like most normal people do.  But I don’t think it’ll ever happen.  I just want to disappear…from everything and everyone.  I want to crawl into a hole and never come back out.  I hate who I am.  I hate how I feel.  I hate my life.  No body and I mean nobody should have to go through what I’ve gone through.

I just got off the phone with Jake again.  I told him I was trying so hard and doing the very best I could.  And he said that from his perspective it didn’t look like I was doing anything at all.  Its so hard for me to even keep going like I am.  I hate everything.  I hate living this way.  I hate making people miserable…I hate being miserable.  I’m trying so hard.  Can anyone help at all?  I need some relief or someone who understands.

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.