So I spent 11 hours in front of my computer today and I’ve only been awake for 12.5 hours. I can’t believe I’m actually trying to design two complete web sites in three days…while working. I’m exhausted. I’m not eating very much…one small meal a day…and I’m only doing that because I absolutely have to. My boyfriend is freaking out about it. I don’t really care. If I had to choose between eating or sleeping I’d choose sleeping and if I had to choose between eating and getting my school work done, well you guessed it, I’d choose getting my school work done. He doesn’t understand my need for a high cumulative GPA, but many people don’t. This was supposed to be my easy quarter to recoup from last quarter…ha. This quarter has by far been my worst quarter here at OSU. But I was also very sick for two weeks and missed two weeks worth of class and work, which cost me dearly. I’m miserable. Tonight as I walked into my bathroom here at school, it was like surreal. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt that way…like your life flashes before you and you wonder how you got where you are? Well it’s weird and doesn’t happen to me a lot but it did tonight. I was amazed at what I am doing and what I’ve become. Can’t believe I’ve made it this far and with BPD and Bipolar Disorder. But others don’t seem to get that. They don’t seem to get that the fact that I am functioning and living is amazing in and of itself. But I am at The Ohio State University carrying a 3.62, balancing a serious relationship, planning a wedding, dealing with my parents (who seem to be like children at times), trying to keep my friends happy (which never happens), trying to be involved here at OSU and deal with my disorders. Come on now. How ridiculous. Most people who have BPD can’t believe I do what I do and keep it together the majority of the time. But it’s so hard. It’s no wonder I am exhausted and sick all the time. I’m so sick of it. Part of me wishes I had never come to OSU. I hate it here. I want to go home.
Okay, my back hurts so bad I can’t take it anymore. I can’t look at this computer screen anymore. I’ll try and write tomorrow.